7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
much to think about
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
This is so me 😂😂
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”