I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
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My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.