passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I like long walks away from everyone
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later