Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*