Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
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When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!