Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.