Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
No, he would not have.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.