*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?