How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You Might Also Like
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer