Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days