guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.