#FunnyLife Insects
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Cats (2019)
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?