Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case