Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Yup.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
very niche meme I made
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores