Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
it’s finally my moment to shine
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you