cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa