Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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“You’d better run, egg!”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I really had high hopes for this year though
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
cats when you pet them too long: