The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb