I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me, reading some of your tweets
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!