“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
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“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.