Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
crying
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”