I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
You Might Also Like
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.