Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
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please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child