Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*