Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
No Google it does not
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”