me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
back to work
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”