No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?