Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
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It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.