I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You Might Also Like
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
The sacred texts.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Shortcut
this is funnier than any friends episode
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.