I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Breaking news:
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
finally found a reasonable question
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.