“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Chemical wingman
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand