What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.