Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Breaking news:
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast