the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
How it started How it’s going
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Doctors texting each other.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.