2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You Might Also Like
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
How I’d get arrested…
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
When you’re Kinky but poor
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
and now we wait
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.