*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I did not eat the cake…
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag