Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes