Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito