why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
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quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.