My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.