I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
umm…
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me before I type out affect or effect
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow