“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I only treason on days ending in y
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily