The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection