I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
me after eating Cheetos
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If you need a laugh.. 😅
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer