If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
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3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
And now we wait
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be