me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
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I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Basically.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.