The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
channeling her this year
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate