Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.