*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.