[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
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“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet